My Journey to Happy & Healthy (Part 2)

If you are just joining us, please be sure to read the first part of my journey to happy and healthy here.

***DISCLAIMER: Ok Sister, I just want to preface this today with a little disclaimer… the next two weeks, I’ll be sharing my journey to where I am today. I’ll be honest, it’s messy, and I’m going to be talking about my struggles with an eating disorder, my unhealthy relationship with food, and more, which may be triggering for some of y’all. So please skip this if it may be triggering for you.

However, I feel that it is SO important for me to share my journey with you, because at the end of the day I know that there are women who might be in the same boat I was in, and my story may shine the light I so desperately needed in those difficult times. The Lord is GOOD and He has brought me and my family through all of the things I am about to share. I pray that He continues to work in me so that I can be a testament to His goodness and faithfulness to other women. ***

After leaving graduate school only one month before graduation, I moved back home with my family.  During that time, I decided to take my career path into a new direction - one that would help me find that balance of taking care of myself - and I decided to get my personal training certification.

Shortly after receiving my certification, I got a job at a local gym as a personal trainer and group fitness trainer. Through exercising daily, and being around other people who were working to be healthy, I finally started to feel like myself again and started to get my weight back under control. My habits of binging and purging were no longer a part of my life, and I was happy, and working hard towards being healthy.

Along with this major life/ career change, I also met the sweetest guy and was head over heels. We got engaged and it just felt like everything was as it should be, life was good and I was living a dream. However, little did I know that Satan was about to attack my life once again and send me into a new spiral of unhealthy.

As I began to lose weight, I found myself obsessing. I felt like a woman possessed. I was obsessed with the scale and was checking in all the time to see what the number would say that day. I was obsessed with how little I really could eat and still exercise crazy amounts while working at the gym. It was all about control, and now that I finally had “control” over my health I didn’t know where to stop.

My weight began to go down, until it got down to 103lbs. Now, I know that I’m not a tall woman, but that number right there Sister, is WAY too skinny and unhealthy for me. Before I knew it, my liver was not functioning properly, and my mood was so up and down, my family couldn’t keep up with me. My body was giving me so many signs that I was harming it, yet I still found myself restricting what I was eating and the amount of food I would allow myself to have. Eventually it led me to the point that  I would restrict myself so much that I would binge eat and then purge to take away the guilt of eating so much.

I decided to start therapy to try and fix the brokenness and get to the root of my recurring problems with eating disorders. After a while, therapy helped me to understand why I was doing this to myself. Basically, I NEEDED to feel in control and that was the root of it all. Knowing the root of the issue was great... but sadly it didn't make me stop.

My nutritionist wanted me to try and start gaining weight. I literally thought, "This lady is crazy. Gaining weight, no way. I am not going to listen to her.” Gaining weight, especially when you have a fear of it, was so very hard for me. One of the hardest things that I’ve ever had to do in my life. Once again, I felt out of control, and even though I was gaining weight like she wanted, I started bingeing/purging to grasp some speck of control back. It was like an out of body experience. You know you shouldn't be doing it, but you can't help it. The urge is so strong and you cannot stop yourself. Sister, let me tell you what a sad, heartbreaking place it is for anyone to be in.

In my heart, I knew this was NOT what I was made for. I knew that I was sick and very unhealthy. It was hard to admit because my mind kept bringing me back to this path of brokenness, obsession with my weight, and need to do whatever it took to feel  in control even though it was literally destroying my body. I felt so broken, ashamed, and confused about why I couldn’t have a healthy relationship with myself & my body. I hit rock bottom again and knew that I had to find the strength to overcome this for good, because this time it wasn’t just me at home by myself. I had a husband and two precious babies that were looking up to me and watching me. And more than that, deep in my heart, I knew that God has promised His children a life full of abundance, and I knew that He says over and over in His Word how loved, precious, and wonderfully made we are. Those two things are what saved me and truly started me on my journey to recovery.

I wanted to stop for the sake of my kids. I NEEDED to stop for them. I didn't want my kids to start asking questions and bring on the shame that I felt. As I began to dig into my why even further, more reasons for me to truly be healthy started surfacing. Eventually, I found myself wanting to do it for ME, and not for what the scale said. Because I AM loved, worthy, and wonderfully made, and to my core I believe that. And with my mind and heart transforming eventually, I stopped.

Was it hard? Absolutely! Will I always struggle? At times, absolutely! Satan knows my buttons, but my faith in the good Lord, ALWAYS brings me back to His truth and love.

By His grace, and through His strength, I have been 5.5 years "sober".

I know what true happiness is now, and feel that I’m finally in a sweet spot of having a balance of caring about being healthy and but also living life and not missing out on special moments with my family. I am continually praying, healing and growing. And I always will be. I relish in the fact that I always want to be better and stronger than the day before.

I don't over workout or focus on the scale. Instead, I workout for my health and to be strong. I workout so my kids can see me taking the time to love the body the Lord has given me and so that they too can learn to be healthy. My relationship with food is solid. I eat better to fuel my body so that it can perform and function at its best. I make better eating choices because it gives me the energy I need to keep up with my kids. I also eat treats when the time calls for it, and I’ve learned to not beat myself up for it. Because that is LIFE and life is to be enjoyed.

After coming out the other side, and finally seeing what it’s like to have that sweet balance, the Lord placed it on my heart back in 2017 to start a bootcamp ministry for women. And that is how Fit Strong Mama came to be! My goal is to provide a safe place for ANY woman to learn the basics of how to get stronger through fitness, have accountability with other women who are working towards similar goals, to provide education and learning on ways that you can fuel your body, and most importantly, provide a place of encouragement and love for the messages that women need to hear more of! EVERY woman should know how wonderfully made she is.

I hope and pray that by sharing my story with all of you, you can better understand my heart and mission behind Fit Strong Mama. YOU, sweet Sister, are my calling! The Lord has brought me through the deep waters to share my story with YOU.

Before I close out today, I want to share a few notes with you.

First of all, if you or someone you love struggles with an eating disorder, I encourage you to reach out to the National Eating Disorders Association’s hotline where you can find local resources to help start your journey to recovery. Their number is (800) 931-2237.

Finally, I pray that as you read my story that you’ll understand how extremely difficult this is to share, open up, and show the hurt in my life. But more than that, I hope that you can look at how the Lord has worked in me, brought me to a healthy place of loving my body for how He made it to be. There is ALWAYS hope, no matter where you are or what you are struggling with! YOU, my dear friend, are so incredibly loved, wonderfully made, and WORTHY of knowing and living your life in a way that reflects that way He sees you.